Wednesday, April 20, 2005

USB Vagina 0.0.2

Sounds of excitment could be heard throughout Vagina World (our workshop) when we started development of USB Vagina version 0.0.2! Never have louder and more passionate sounds been heard in all of Vagina World.

This morning, my associate Yakov and I, woke up to the glorious pep-talk by the Nutri-Grain packet.
Have you set your sights on one dream?
Can you feel the adrenalin kick in?
Hear your heart pound?
Smell victory in the air?
Kellogg's (R) Nutri-Grain (R) real iron-man food for real iron-men.
Got a taste for it!
We were inspired to succeed and persevere through all odds. Little did we know that we would need this passion to suceced and to persevere.

Today we planned to make the mould for the "body" of the vagina. Firstly, we needed to look at the clay we would be using to make the mould. If you are in any way disgusted by or otherwise not interested in pussy excretion, then don't look at the next photograph.

This is official, Van Ayken modelling clay - only the best for our vagina! After hours of rigorous moulding, we came up with the "body" of our vagina. Make sure you look properly at the picture below, 'cause you are seeing a part of history!

And, just in case, you didn't get a good look, here's another.

Now for the real excitement of the day... plucking our twangers. Yakov played with my balls and I played with his, it truly was a liberating experience. Unfortunately, our Terrorist Detector went off (for more information on the Terrorist Detector, please send me an e-mail) so our twanger plucking session was cut short.

We had a board meeting today and discussed marking the USB Vagina. We came up with a number of accessories. While most of the details pertaining to production and distribution will remain a secret for the time being, we have been cleared to reveal one of the many accessories that will be available in the near future. Now, to make your wait that bit more annoying and less tolerable, we have included a picture of the USB Vagina and the exciting new screwdriver accessory!

If you want a printed and framed copy of this picture, please send $2,000 to World Vision Australia and you will have bought a well for a stuggling African village (or something like that).

Although some of you may think the USB Vagina looks more like a ball-sack (or possibly a sea-creature) than a vagina, we hope that the next picture will change your mind. Now, the task that laid ahead was riskiest of today - attaching the CLITORIS!!

Now that we had made the plasticine model of the vagina, we had to mix up the plaster to make the mould. The following pictures depict this epic journey of "plaster in a box" to "mould of vagina."

You have just seen the images of the process of "mixing the plaster." We know you're just as excited as we are. Next, you will see the awe-inspiring photographic recreation of inserting the plasticine model of the vagina into the plaster! And remember, it's not our fault if you die from excitement (unless it's of the sexual organs).

If you look very closely (or perhaps not that closely at all) and use some imagination (or perhaps no imagination at all) you will notice that the bottom of the vagina looks like an old man's butt (unfortunately, there's no anus).

Now, here is Yakov removing the model from the plaster... the most exciting part of his career as a developer.

The next picture is the picture of our finished mould! Woo-hoo! Or, in the traditions of the mentally challenged - woot! Anybody who thinks they're cool because they use numbers instead of letters or words that don't exist (such as woot or uber) can still give us their money.

After we had made the mould we spent several moments racking our brain for things we could use to fill the mould (plastic, rubber, etc.) We eventually came up with a few ideas.

After this intense session of brain activity, we needed some lunch.

This was our first attempt:

That attempt didn't work out too well, so we hopped on down to the local cheap crap boutique and purchased some items that would help us with our other ideas.

This is our second attempt drying... we will see how it goes.

And that's all for USB Vagina version 0.0.2!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Welcome to the USB Vagina blog. This weblog is intended to document the development of the world's first Universal Serial Bus Vagina. This is a very exciting project, and is part of the vast technological de-evolution. This de-evolution started with the i-whatever naming convention, the most prominent product being the "i-pod." We (the creators of the USB Vagina) think that the "sky is falling!"

Yakov Schmendrick and myself (Vinaceous Egg-Laying Mammal) are the lead developers on this exciting foray into the world of yesterday (which is largely dominated by idiots).

Today was our first day of development. The first thing we did was go down to the local electronics boutique (a shop that sells women's clothes and jewellery) and purchased some LEDs (light emitting diodes) and the cheapest USB cable we could find. Below is a picture of these breasts, sorry, items:

The package on the left contains the USB cable; the package on the right contains the LEDs.

Next we needed to open the package containing the USB cable. This was a very exciting moment for Yakov, as in his childhood he was quite depraved - never being allowed to open anything, not even his nasal cavity. Even though you cannot see his face, arms, or legs, you can just feel the excitement radiating from his bosom.

After opening the USB cable's package, we needed to (I'm sorry for the technical jargon) "un-twist" the wire binding the USB cable in its prison. It was sort of like rescuing a damsel in distress, although it was a USB cable, and this vagina offers much better stimulation than a damsel ever could.

Many have asked why we have concealed these arms. There is a crime - manslaughter - if you saw these arms, we would most certainly be guilty of it. They are just too sexy for the human eye - you would die from over-stimulation of the sexual organs. If you had ever seen them, you would understand. The only reason we are alive today is that we wear special "infra-red" protection goggles that are invisible to the naked eye.

The next stage of development was liberating the oppressed cable from its prison. This was done by opening our hearts and lives to the cable, giving it the love it could never get from its oppressors.

We must apologise for the face, the plastic surgeon didn't arrive until 3 p.m. If you notice, 35mm along the cable, the sensation of pure joy that the cable is emanating on being released from incarceration.

Unfortunately, after we so kindly liberated the USB cable, it revolted against us. We had to bring in "the scissors" (spooky music). Caution: the following picture is rated R for extreme violence by the USB Classifications Bureau!

The next picture says just how far we're prepared to go! This is the price of rebellion! Actually, getting to a more factual account, we had to strip the red and the black wires (the red wire gives power, and the black wire is the ground).

Unfortunately, due to a severe lack of funding, my hair turned pink. Nevertheless, we picked out a diode from the packet, and put it up to our recently deceased USB cable.

We attached the LED to the cable and prepared for "insertion" (a very dangerous procedure indeed - all non-essential personnel had to be evacuated from the base).

SUCCESS!! Version 0.0.1 of our USB vagina is operational! See the beauty of the glowing LED.

There was only one small problem: it was overheating. We had to go back down to the local electronics boutique and purchase some resistors.

Below is a picture of the official USB Vagina 0.0.1 in full, working condition! Feast your eyes darlings.

Until next time... make sure you're plucking your twanger and playing with your balls!